Will it hurt, mummy? – JD, 3
One Born Every Minute returned to Channel 4 last week and I shared my thoughts about dads in the delivery room. The next episode – due to screen on Wednesday 11th January at 9pm – is all about pain, so here’s my story of pain, relief and guilt.
Growing up with three siblings – two older, one younger – I was quite comfortable with the idea that my mum had been pregnant and given birth, and she was quite comfortable talking about it, so from a young age I knew that it was painful, but I also knew that she did it with just gas and air every time.
What this meant is that I grew up fully expecting that when the time came to have babies, I wouldn’t need pain relief, and that asking for it would make me something of a failure – not that mum ever conveyed that message, I’ve just always tried to live up to what I think is a very high standard set by her: a strong, kind, single mum who gave us everything – still gives us everything – and asks for nothing in return.
So came the day in late 2007 when I went into labour for the first time. I woke up to find that my waters were breaking slowly and contractions were about 20 minutes apart and not painful so much as uncomfortable. “This will be ok,” I thought. How naive!
Now I don’t really want to get into the detail of what happened over the next 24 hours as I don’t want to frighten first-timers. I’ll just say that due to a combination of bad planning and bad luck, I ended up nowhere near the hospital I’d been to throughout the pregnancy and instead at a horrible hospital which – I kid you not – was suffering from a bluebottle infestation and had spatterings of who-knows-what over almost every wall. And yes, this was a UK hospital.
Anyway, after many hours on a public ward – alone as it was after visiting hours – I just couldn’t cope anymore. I’d only dilated 3cm and I was exhausted. Vomiting, bleeding and frightened, I hadn’t been given any gas and air and was finally given pethidine. I lay there, cursing myself for my failings and begging the midwives to check me again. The next time they did, JD was almost in the world and I was moved into a delivery room with minutes to spare.
Years later, I still felt guilty for ‘giving in’ to pethidine, so when I fell pregnant with Little Miss J, I wrote on my birth plan that I wanted to do it without any painkillers.
Little Miss J’s birth story was entirely different: a happy, comparatively calm affair, quicker from start to finish and much less distressing. So why then, did I end up having pethidine again? Well in the heat of those contractions, when I learned I was only 3cm dilated and things seemed to be following the same pattern as last time, it finally dawned on me that a) I’d forgotten how much it hurts and b) having pain relief isn’t a crime!
So I took the gas and air and I welcomed the pethidine. I know that it’s supposed to slow labour, but for me it seemed to speed up dilation hugely. I don’t know why – maybe when I’m in that much pain, I fight it somehow. Who knows.
So my message to mums who desperately want a natural, drug-free birth: good on you, fantastic, well done. But if when the time comes, you’re struggling and want pain relief, don’t feel guilty, don’t feel that you’ve failed. You’re doing something incredible and if you need help, that’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Episodes on One Born Every Minute can be watched online at www.channel4.com/oneborn. Read more posts about labour and pain management over on Netmums.
Thanks for reading. Please comment, share or subscribe to have future posts delivered to your inbox.
Apart from two paracetamol I had no pain relief apart from two breaths of gas and air at the very end. You may say “well done. How brave!!” But I’ll let you in on a secret I WISH I HAD!! I may have managed the contractions so well that know one believed I was in active labor until the end, but as soon as I felt the first push I wished nothing more than to be numb from the waste down. Yes I asked and was denied an epidural. My point is, I think it’s important for us all to be flexible. You must be ready to require pain relief but be equally ready not to get it. Nothing wrong with planning a pain relief free birth by practicing your breathing etc, as that might be what you get whether you want it or not. However if you have the chance and fee you need it (most woman do) I would just take the pain relief option. My son’s birth was comparatively very quick and not really painful until the last hour or two. Regardless the last hour was so traumatic I had serious emotional problems in the days and weeks after, which I would have rather avoided if I had the chance.
Be ready for anything and trust in your own body.
Fantastic advice – thanks Beth. Hope you’re feeling better about it now.
Oh gosh, I was one of those mums who just shouted for the epidural! mind you, my first labour was also taking forever, very little dilation, but YES IT STILL HURT!!! I think everybody just has different thresholds of pain and some just feel it more than others. It’s the way we were born; there’s no shame in that!
Quite right :) thanks for commenting x
Completely agree with you. I purposely didn’t have a birth plan as I had no clue what to expect and didn’t want to set myself up to’fail’ as it were.
Your first experience sounds horrfic. I’m glad second time round was much better xxx
Thanks. Us women are WAY too hard on ourselves xx
Totally agree with your message: if you need pain relief, just take it x
Thank you x
Brilliant writing! Nothing should make you feel pressured into not doing what is right for you
Thank you – hopefully it’ll help a future mum to hear it.
Great message…it is all about choice and no one should ever feel judged about what was right for them. Lovely baby pics!
Thanks! :)
Thanks :)
Such a brilliantly written blog post – can’t believe the state of the hospital! Love the photos too
Thanks! :)
Fantastic post and lovely photos too. Thanks for sharing it
Thanks :) Funny looking at old pics of Joel – he and Jessica look so alike!
Yes the more you are able to relax the quicker it will be. Great post, glad you were happier with your second birth – or happier now with the first.
Thanks, yes that makes sense. If I ever have another baby, I will definitely *try* to go pain-free – would put more effort into learning relaxation techniques etc too.
I can recommend the wave breathing technique. My last labour they had smelly stick things at the hospital – and just the sheer effort of the midwife trying to help relax me was relaxing in itself.
Lovely post, and so true, If you need it have it, it doesn’t make you a failure. I didnt get chance to have any with K it was all too quick but i did ask for pethidine with N, just to take the edge off. My blog post this week covers a little of K’s birth so keep your eyes peeled for it on Friday xx
Thanks :) I’m glad you say it took the edge off. I was under the impression with my first that it would STOP the pain. LOL! Will keep an eye on your blog x